Dove Off the Deep End

There comes a time in life when you need to ask yourself "what do I want?" Up to this point, I have not really asked myself that question, nor spent any time reflecting on what an answer to that question might be. I have always had inklings though; hints as to what would NOT make me happy, even if I didn't know what would. After a series of unfortunate events in the recent weeks, I finally snapped and started asking myself what I want. Unfortunately, I don't feel very far into my answer. And the one thing I know I want, I can't have.

I have been learning about things I don't want, though. For instance, I don't want to be in a job that sucks the life out of me. I want to seize the day, live each moment to the fullest, and be happy in whatever way I can. And if I can't be in a job that I love, then I at least want that job to allow me the time and resources to spend my free time enjoying life. But not just enjoying it, breathing it into others as well. This task is difficult, though. In the movies, they always make it seem so easy; just give everything up and go for what you want. A cool job is right around the corner, along with the man of your dreams, and everything falls magically into place. In reality, the picture is rather different.

For starters, I quit my job without any savings to tide me over or another job waiting for me. I am unemployed and have about 3 weeks to come up with next month's rent. And the future is terrifying. On my old path, the one laid out for me by everyone that wasn't me, I knew where I was going next. I also never needed to ask myself where I wanted to go, because I would just go where the next job was. Now, however, I feel as if I'm facing a large abyss of possibilities. It's the paradox of choice: I have the entire world now open to me, and I cannot decide where I want to go. Of course, the picture isn't so black and white, as there are other mitigating factors influencing my decision, such as friends and family. Essentially, though, I can go anywhere. And despite the terror that I feel with the unknown, there is also something freeing in it. And even if I spend my mornings depressed and searching for jobs, I refuse to not live out my new philosophy of sucking the life out of everything, instead of everything sucking the life out of me. So I spend my afternoons doing things I've been dreaming of doing for quite some time now. I practice my bass, I spend some time practicing/learning French, I draw/sketch, and I spend time outside. I've also been watching a ton of amazing movies, and enjoying quality time with my friends. Yes, I am broke, and there are lots of other facets to life that I need to sort out, but at the end of the day, I feel freer now then ever before. And it is only now that I can really, truly explore the question of "what do I want?"

Today's Wit: "They're not that different from you, are they? Same haircuts. Full of hormones, just like you. Invincible, just like you feel. The world is their oyster. They believe they're destined for great things, just like many of you, their eyes are full of hope, just like you. Did they wait until it was too late to make from their lives even one iota of what they were capable? Because, you see gentlemen, these boys are now fertilizing daffodils. But if you listen real close, you can hear them whisper their legacy to you. Go on, lean in. Listen, you hear it? -- Carpe -- hear it? -- Carpe, carpe diem, sieze the day boys, make your lives extraordinary." Keating, from Dead Poets Society